What Was I Thinking?

                       


                          I have been crying for the past few hours, I don't know what I was thinking! I did something  I wont ever be able to take back no matter how hard I try I am so stupid. I cant breath at this point in time I am so worried that I will not be able to change the mistake that I have made tonight. Okay so allow me to go back to the start of the night and tell everyone what it is that I did!


                         So Adam and I were spending time together and then he had to take me home because he had to go to work. I was totally okay with him going to work because he told me he would try to come back and get me after he got done with work.  I of course was totally okay with this because at least I got to see him. He had just gotten home from a trip to Ohio to see his daughter for her birthday. So I sat around waiting on him to call me or text me and tell me that he was on his way or that he could not come and get be after all because he had to work. I was of course excited about being able to spend more time with him however that's not the way it went down. He text me and told me that he was busy and wouldn't be able to see me tonight. I said okay and decided to go out with some of my friends to a bar  in town  that I had never been to so I thought it would be tons of fun!  Well I wasn't wrong at all, I had alot of fun when I wasn't thinking about how much I would rather have been with him the whole time. I decided to drink and well when I did that my friends agreed to not allow me to have my cell phone back until I was sober so that I would not bug Adam while he was busy. Come to find out shortly after my phone was cut off he called and text my cell phone and was so very angry thinking I was cheating on him. He went as far as to tell me that he " hoped I am having a great time with my boyfriend ." So childish of him however as it turns out he was also drunk, he was busy  drinking with his boys. I was so angry at him for making me feel bad for drinking with my friends while he was drinking with his friends. 
            After fighting with me about my picking to go out and drink he tells me that " I shouldn't listen  to him because he was drunk ." I ended up not speaking to him after all of that until  more then 24 hours later where I did the one thing I didn't want to do. I ended my relationship with Adam a few hours ago and he did not fight with me about it. Until less then an hour later when I decided to make my point and  change my relationship status to " in a relationship " on facebook. I knew he would see it just not as fast as he had seen it and I only put it as that to get a reaction out of him . Oh boy did I get a reaction out of him! He totally flipped out on me telling me " I must have never meant anything to you, if you have already moved on ." I hadn't moved on however I wanted it to hit him that he wanted me back. I was naive enough to think that it would make him want to fight for me and for our relationship. Yeah I was so beyond wrong I don't know if it made him want us back together, All I know is that I'm done talking to him and trying if he wants to be with me then he will find me and fight for our relationship just as much as I had been fighting. 
             I know that I was stupid for what I did and I want to be with him more then I can even explain however if its meant to be then it will be. I guess I just have to wait, see and pray that I didn't just end the first relationship where I was truly honestly in love with the guy and didn't want to spend another day of my life with out him by my side even if that meant that the Marine Corps would be my life until the day he got out. I decided a month ago that I wanted to be with this man. Even if that meant I would have to learn how to be the perfect Marine Wife, leaving my family and friends behind and making new ones. I would walk through the fires of hell for him. Does he know this, of course not because I am too hard headed to tell him anything that is going on in my mind.  The sun will soon becoming up and I know I wont be able to sleep but Its like almost 5am so I guess I should at least try to get some sleep. I miss him so much that it truly hurts! I feel like maybe I threw a tantrum like a child and now I'm being punished for acting out that way.


Lord What Was I Thinking?


Semper Fi <3